I had a HUGE shift this weekend. I’m not sure that I can even describe “it” or fully remember it, but I know “it” happened, and “it” was HUGE!
I was on my yoga mat in class—the place where lots of my shifts happen.
It was Sunday morning and I’d been in class all weekend. I was being led through an hour and a half inner guide practice.
Let me back up a little bit…My yoga practice hasn’t been much of anything as of late because I’ve been deep. I’ve been deep in my stuff. I’ve been deep in discomfort. I’ve been deep in unhappiness, sadness, and heartache.
I’ve felt lost. Struggling with knowing which way to go.
Finding my way to my yoga mat was not where I’d been.
As I was in frog pose, I felt “it” wash over me. “It” was subtle. There weren’t bright lights. I didn’t feel my heartbreak open… like I thought a heart-opening experience might feel like. The heart expansion I’d been seeking.
Instead, I just felt this warm, soft feeling start somewhere in the middle of my soul and expand outwards.
I knew at that moment that the last four months were completely worth being lost, being in pain, being confused. At that moment, that feeling of expansion of softness told me that I would never be the same again.
I experienced a deeper understanding on my mat in frog pose.
All the work I’ve been doing, all the parts I was conscious of, and the parts I wasn’t, I’d arrived at the place that I’d been seeking. Even though I wasn’t sure where I was going or what I’d been seeking.
I’ve actively been working on my journey the last three years and moving towards… something.
In June, I began struggling with my journey. I started struggling with moving forward because life has been happening.
There was a death in my family that threw me for a bigger loop than I ever expected. I knew the passing of my grandmother was timed perfectly for my journey. Sometimes, when I was in prayer or meditation, I felt clear about where I was. That there was a purpose to my confusion.
I got lost in the life part of her passing, or so I felt I was.
As I reflect back on the last few months, I see that I wasn’t actually lost. I’ve been experiencing life precisely as I should. Every action and reaction, each thought and emotion was perfectly timed for my journey.
I was learning.
What was “it” that I experienced? I experienced a healing of my inner child.
An acceptance of myself, for who I am.
An understanding that not allowing others’ judgments to change my own thoughts about myself is vital. We all say not to let others’ opinions effect us. I’m sure you’ve even said it to your child or bf along the way. Easier said than done.
One simple Sunday morning in frog pose allowed me to see that I don’t need to judge myself based on other people’s opinions of me.
What I’d been struggling with was the little girl inside of me, inside of many of us. Somewhere along the way, she began to think that she wasn’t enough. She felt unworthy. All because of the way my grandmother was raised and how her stuff played out into my stuff.
I’d been struggling with knowing her friends, strangers, judged me based on things my grandmother said. All based on her opinions of me.
What I began to understand in a moment on my mat — is that her stuff is her stuff, my stuff is my stuff, your stuff is your stuff, and while other’s stuff may be projected onto you, it doesn’t have to be your stuff.
I learned that other people’s opinion is just their opinion, especially when they don’t know you, the real you, and who you are inside.
This generally relates to one of two things
1. their stuff is so thick they don’t care who you actually are
or
2. you’ve been afraid to show them who you are
A deeper understanding of how other people’s stuff is of no business to me; it is also of no business to me their opinions of me.
What I learned is that what really matters is my stuff. My own thoughts of me.
I thought I’d been long away, far away, but really I’ve been doing the work.
I’ve been feeling everything.
I’ve been processing.
I’ve been learning.
The most beautiful thing that happened one unexpected Sunday morning on my mat has shifted me deeply. I opened up and moved forward.
I’m not stuck… even when I thought I was.
All this time, I’ve been moving slowly forward.
Sometimes, it gets heavy. Sometimes, it gets deep. Sometimes it’s a heavy kind of deep. Sometimes we think we’re lost, and sometimes we feel confused.
Those are often the moments when we’re on our journey. It’s where we discover that we were open to moving forward, and we do just that.
On a Sunday Morning in frog pose, I learned.